Blog 22nd of April 2009

Argh. This life gets more and more confusing the more time goes past.

Turned 20 last week, the teenage years are over, what a scary thought. It only goes downhill from here right. Lol. Well that was what we got told in Clinical yesterday. In relation to our bone density being its best in our 20’s and then deteriorates from there.

Had a great dinner our for my birthday with lots and lots of family and a couple of friends. My Aunt from England was even there and I haven’t seen her in years, would be nice to see her kids too. There was people missing though, which was sad, my sister, her partner and daughter couldn’t make it, they live a few hours away. When my sister called to say happy birthday I realised how much I missed them, so I’ve arranged to go up and visit in May for a few days. Will be good. Just hope my niece remembers me.

Went out to Crown on Friday night/Saturday morning, we went meant to go to a bar called Lagerfield, but me being me didn’t check the dress code properly in advance, so some of the guys were in runners and weren’t allowed in. We were sitting down outside Galactic circus haven’t something to eat while we waited for the others to turn up when it was suggested we go to the bar at Kingpin, so we headed in to start drinking. Ended up having a game of bowling, where my first 2 goes were so tragic that Emma and I got bumpers up. Lol. And then I totally kicked arse and won the game. Lol. And I started drinking alcohol again, 3 cocktails and a shot actually, and felt reasonable the next day. I totally sucked at the game of pool I joined in on though. Can’t win everything. Had a fantastic night and Thanks to all the awesome people who came. I’d be no one without my friends, both old and new and I’m glad you were all there.

My life feels really complicated lately. On one hand I have this great guy who I’ve known for quite a long time, he’s gorgeous and an amazing person who’s always been there for me and knows a hell of a lot about me. He makes me laugh and I can talk to him really easily about everything. I can talk until the cows come home and he doesn’t mind, he just likes spending time with me. He holds doors open, waits for you to walk first and is a real gentleman, which is hard to find these days. Plus, he’s a good kisser, lol. But I don’t really know if he wants anything more than a good friendship, which we have, and I’d hate to lose that. And then on the other hand I have this guy I’ve known for a few months, who things just seemed to click with when I met him. He’s gorgeous and a good person too. Who gives really good hugs where I feel safe and comfortable (usually), makes me laugh and smile and forget about the other things going on in life. He does the most beautiful and creative writing. He says he misses me a lot when he’s not around and says he doesn’t want to let go when he hugs me. This guy says he wants to be with me but can’t, and isn’t always as honest and caring as he should be. It seems in some ways there is actually no choice, but in some ways there is, and its hard. And to be honest I’m definitely leaning more one way then the other, because the other way is just painful. So, where do people think I should go from here???

Still waiting on news of this Army career, hopefully I’ll find out something soon so I can start this new and exciting chapter of my life. Slowly working on getting myself into better shape so that I can pass the fitness test easily. Lol. Oh yay. I even ate carrots, dip and biscuits for breakfast yesterday. And a chicken and salad sandwich for lunch with lots and lots of water throughout the day. We’ll all have to catch up for a drinking session when I get through all the application process so we can celebrate.

Anyway, I’m off to go back to sleep. Felt tired and sick this morning so didn’t go to uni and spent the whole day in bed watching DVD’s, sleeping and eating soup like a Grandma. Lol. Hopefully I’m feeling better soon so I can give blood again, my second donation is rather overdue.

Take care all
Jess xox

PS - all advice is greatly appreciated.


Blog 11th of April

So. I was walking through the city by myself the other day (lost once again) when I started thinking. Which by all accounts tends to be a rather painful experience. I was thinking that I still feel so young, I don’t really even feel ready to move out of home yet. It probably doesn’t help that I’m vertically challenged and lacking a licence. Its not as if I can’t look after myself, I can cook, clean and do all that crap, but I hate being alone. I’d rather be alone and know there was someone in the next room than be in a quiet house.

Its odd, I’m turning 20 next Wednesday and at times it feels like I’m not a whole lot further than I’ve ever been.

Anyway, moving on from me feeling young. I took a massive plunge and finally went through with an application for the defence force. Those of you who know me well and have known me for awhile know that this has always been at the back of my mind. However I had always been more focussed on joining the Navy not the Army. So I have quite happily started the application process to become a Combat Medical Attendant (defencejobs.gov.au/army/jobs/CombatMedicalAttendant) with the Army Reserves and I couldn’t be more excited about the future. It sounds as if this job has been made for me and I’m really hoping to get in. I’ve even started exercising and riding my pushbike again to ensure I’m fit enough to do the job well. It is also going to compliment my studying to be a paramedic really well by giving me a chance to practice some skills, learn skills and further other skills. Although I do wonder a little bit where I go from here. Do I finish the degree and go full time with the Army in a professional capacity or do I work for the Ambulance Service at the completion of my degree. Only time, maturity and a lot of thinking will help me decide.


These are some things in relation to this amazing new job I’ve applied for:
The duties of a CMA encompass pre-hospital emergency care, evacuation of casualties, resuscitation for
the sick and wounded and primary health care. They must be able to cope with
conventional/unconventional injuries and illnesses in a variety of situations and environments and work
under supervision or independently and effectively under front line defence emergency conditions for
long periods.

The CMA is employed in either a medical or non medical unit with the requirement to:
a. Work effectively in the pre-hospital care setting:
(2) communicate effectively with colleagues and patients;
(3) apply health ethics to own practice;
(4) follow organizational procedures to provide a safe health care environment and infection control;
(5) participate in quality improvement and skill development activities; and
(6) uphold the ethos and values of the Army Health Services.
b. Participate in basic stores accounting by maintaining medical equipment within Army's Technical
Regulatory Framework.
c. Manage a scene in a pre-hospital care setting:
(1) provide basic emergency response;
(1) assess the scene and take measures to appropriately manage the scene;
(2) communicate essential incident details; and
(3) coordinate First Aid activities until arrival of additional response resources.
d. Manage a casualty in a pre-hospital care setting:
(1) apply emergency treatment within Army Treatment Protocols;
(2) formulate and implement a safe extrication plan of the casualty;
(3) document pre-hospital care; and
(4) provide for casualty's basic needs in an extended, isolated care situation.
e. Evacuate casualties:
(1) prepare casualty for evacuation;
(2) convey and receive information relating to patient transport;
(3) load, unload and secure patient and equipment for transportation;
(4) monitor patient's condition during transportation; and
(4) provide patient hand over at receiving facility.

Your training begins with Recruit Training at the Army Recruit Training Centre (ARTC) near Wagga Wagga in New South Wales. ARTC is the home of recruit training and is where all soldiers, regular or reserve, commence their career in the Army. During the course, you'll receive expert training from some of the Army's best instructors. No one is saying this training will be easy, but when you complete it, you'll be proud of what you've accomplished.

I finally realised that I’m incredibly proud of all I have achieved so far, and so are my family. I’m happy and looking forward to the future with a renewed enthusiasm for life and all its challenges.

Was having a chat with a friend about my possible (if I get accepted) foray into the Army, and he said to me “but you might die out there”, and I said yes, that is a possibility, but I’m going to die one day anyway, so why shouldn’t it happen whilst I’m out there living my life, having fun and even saving other people’s lives. I accept the possibility that it may happen out there, but it may not, and if we lived our lives fearing death with everything we did we’d live in bubbles. I personally have decided this year is a great year to grow up and start living. I’m going sky diving in the Yarra Valley, going Bungee jumping (somewhere), swimming with sharks, climbing the harbour bridge, learning to snowboard (eventually), hopefully getting a tattoo (I got over my fear of needles long enough to give blood for the first time last year) and believing in love again.

The believing in love again part is probably the hardest thing to do, even harder than throwing myself out of a plane I think. But its surprising how once you open yourself things appear so different. Things are fairly quiet on that front at the moment though.

I’m going to get some sleep before a long Easter Sunday placement in the city.

Leaving you with smiles and dreams of the future.

Take care

Jess xox



Blog 14th of Feb

Hello all.

So, I’ve finally gotten around to writing my latest blog update. I seem to be really bad at doing them regularly. Which considering I’ve missed the last two social events I was invited to is pretty lousy. Also I’m currently on holidays from work and uni. And I had to withdraw from TAFE already because of my uni timetable.

As some of you know I’ve spent a large amount of the last week helping out with the largest disaster to ever hit Victoria. The tragic Black Saturday bushfires that have completely wiped out whole towns and caused more devastation than anyone could ever have imagined. My heart goes out to all those who have been affected by this terrible tragedy. I’ve been doing my bit to help by volunteering in the communications centre of St John Ambulance who has first aid teams out in the field. Please check out the St John Ambulance Australia Website for information about their fundraiser to raise money to help us continue to support the fire efforts.

Anyway, enough about that for now.

Today is Valentine’s day. One of the most depressing days of the year to be a single girl, the other two days are Christmas and Birthdays. A month ago I didn’t really expect to be in this situation, and its sad, but you get that, and I guess it hasn’t been as bad as it could be. Had big plans of having a nice sleep in followed by a lazy day, which was quickly knocked on the head when Dad decided it was ok to talk really loud whilst people were trying to sleep. So there went my sleep in, bummed around watching TV and DVD’s for awhile. Then realised I wasn’t quite ready to run a first aid event tomorrow so chased up some more details for awhile. Uploaded some of my newer works onto facebook for all to see. And then I went back to DVD watching in bed before a late afternoon nap, lol, and then more TV watching. I also got some more stuff organised for uni, as its going to be a busy week and I won’t get much of a chance to do it after Monday.

Will be helping out in communications again from Tuesday through to Friday. But its good, apparently I like talking, lol, so I’m not doing too badly. And then I finally go back to uni the week after, yay, looking forward to it.

So now its not Valentine’s anymore, which makes me even sadder, but I was so totally over yesterday anyway. I ended up getting an electric shock and having some emotional conversations which related in a very very confused and misunderstood me who was in a highly emotional mood. Now I’m just over it.

A lot of people don’t understand why I post such emotional stuff, like the pieces of writing I’ve done (I don’t like describing them as poetry) and now the blog that I sometimes update. I’ve been told its very inappropriate and attention seeking. But its not, or not to me anyway, people need to understand that everyone has different ways of dealing with things in their life. I have many ways, but one of my main ways is to write, and most of what I write is highly emotional. I post this work because I’m proud of the work I’ve done with most of them, and because there are other people facing the same sorts of things I write about, and I hope my writing gives them some comfort at times. Most of all I post it for me, as a record of who I am, where I’ve come from, what I’ve seen and felt. So I hope it doesn’t offend people, but its me.

Another way I deal with stuff is compulsive cleaning, cooking and organising, lol, talk about strange I know. But it can be quite a useful compulsion.

As this is already a two day blog I’m going to head to bed and try and get some sleep and work through my head after the conversations from today, and I will continue this blog later while I’m sitting around at a picnic in the park. My interesting saying for the day is related to first aid/uni. I don’t want people to get hurt so I can do something, I just want to be there if they are going to get hurt or sick so I can help.

Goodnight and sweet dreams to all. Hope you had a happier Valentine’s then me and I’ll write to you again in the morning.

Jess xox

Hello again, so its now around 7pm on the 15th and I’m still in a bad mood. Sitting at Sidney Myer Music Bowl, as I have been for the last 6 hours doing nothing. At least I have a pretty good crew here. Its just boring with nothing to do. And my mind is still stuck on conversations from yesterday, they keep replaying through my head, which really isn’t a good thing. In my last blog I’d decided that it was a new year and I was going to leave all the old crap behind, and that there was someone new in my life and I was happy. But now everything is just up in the air, painful and confusing. Nothing makes much sense. And I’m such a changed person lately that not even I know who I am or what I’m doing. As stupid as it sounds given that it wasn’t actually life threatening, I was terrified when I landed myself in hospital. And that was when I vowed I’d change, be a happier person, tell people that I cared more often, and not hold onto stuff that made me bitter and angry. But maybe that’s just not me. God, I’m going around in such circles here. A little distracted. Actually a lot distracted, and kinda pissed, thought I had this great chance to be happy and it seems to have just blown up in my face.

I’ve gotta go pack some stuff up so that we can go home, via the nearest Maccas, Mobil and Caulfield South. So if I have the energy and the heart. I’ll write again soon.

Take care all.

Life isn’t just breathing.
Real living is made up of moments that take your breath away.

A fantastic saying I think.

Jess xox


Blog 31st of Jan

So. Latest update on my life since the last blog.
I’m still on holidays from uni, but I started TAFE on Wednesday. It’s an interesting course that for sure (Certificate III in client/patient services) which will allow me to be a patient services assistant. Not my ideal career (I’d rather be a paramedic) but it gets me into that health environment and working with people, which I love doing. So it will be good. And it will give me a new career while I work hard to finish my Bachelor of Health Science - paramedic course.

On my volunteer work. I spent a week working hard at the Australian Open on night shift only to end up missing the second week. I caught the train in with a friend for my shift on Monday (Australia Day), started getting some pain in my chest before we got there, didn’t really want to tell anyone, partially because I was scared stiff and partially because I didn’t want all the fuss. Got my accreditation and sat through the briefing, by the end of all that I was in a lot of pain and feeling really dizzy. So I let them know. Had a monitor on that didn’t show anything, and the asprin they gave me didn’t make any difference. So they gave me some methoxyflurane (penthrane) and called me an ambulance. Took a nice little trip to the Alfred Hospital whilst slightly out of it from the penthrane. Walked (well, stumbled) into the ED (always the independent and stubborn one I am). Didn’t wait long before I got in and had some tests done, which made them thankfully conclude that it wasn’t cardiac related. Although I still has some GTN which helped a lot. Turned out its something called costochondritis (inflammation of the cartilage in my chest that connects the ribs to the sternum), was too scared and out of it to ask how I ended up with it, and was discharged about 10pm with some anti-inflammatory tablets and a request for a GP follow up. Still been having pain (even with the tablets, but nothing like that first day, which was the worst pain I’ve ever felt. So I haven’t gone back to work or to any other volunteer events. Little bit scared to actually, and a little scared to be on my own, as silly as that sounds. But I’m a strong independent person and I’m working past it, seeing the doc for my follow up on Monday, so hopefully no more pain. And I’ve been getting lots of rest, even though its driving me nuts.
Decided that I need a holiday, and that I miss my niece. So heading up to Wangaratta on the 15th of Feb after work. Kinda heading up there for another side reason too, but mostly I miss my family. Will be nice to get away for a few days before the mayhem of uni begins. And my niece starts school on Monday too, which is exciting, she’s growing up so fast. it’s a bit sad though, I hope she remembers who I am, I see her so infrequently and she’s still so young, it wouldn’t be the first time she hasn’t known me, and its hard, heartbreaking actually, but I guess that’s partially my fault too. It just doesn’t help that they live so far away, and I don’t drive. But I’m definitely working towards it a lot more now. I have something that is encouraging me to do it as soon as possible.

This year has started off better than any other year. Been so unbelievably happy. Leaving behind old issues and moving on with life. The person I cared about for a long time is now happily married and I’m incredibly happy for him. I’ve put aside my worries about my course and whether I can do it or not. I can and I will. Decided I don’t care about rumours or petty crap anymore. And most importantly to me I’ve got a fantastic new person in my life. I don’t quite know where its going to go, but wherever it does I’m happy to just appreciate that they are in my life. They are unlike anyone I’ve ever met and deserve all the best things from life. I don’t have a lot more to say about them at the moment, other than they make me smile.

Decided I need more of a social life this year, so dropping down my volunteer hours and catching up with friends and loving life. Although my last catch up left me sunburnt and in pain, I never learn with my pale skin. Ah well. Such is life, and I had a fantastic time anyway. Went to a friends bbq, went shopping with a friend and going to a friends birthday drinks. Also celebrating New Years with friends just before Valentines day. As we all spent our New Years volunteering at Phillip Island. Crazy people we are. Not sure if I’ll have any Valentine’s plans yet, you never know your luck. But unfortunately I also have TAFE that day.
Well I’m off to have dinner and watch the rest of Mr Deeds.

So long and thanks for the fish.

Take care all.
Jess xox



Blog Tuesday January 6th 2009.

Wow. Its 2009 already. The last year has really flown fast. I’m currently laying in bed typing my first blog for the year on my brand new netbook and watching season one of Bewitched,
whilst reading a book by Claire Seeber called lullaby. Talk about multiskilled, lol.
Have the fan going as high as possible, so damn hot in here, besides, I spent two hours working my arse off on the Wii fit my family got for Christmas.
I spent my New Years working my arse off down at Phillip Island at both Cowes and Pyramid Rock, saving lives of course, which is extremely exhilarating, but tends to be very thankless. There is talk of all of us who worked New Years catching up and having our own New Years party, little late, but you get that when you spend so much time volunteering. Crazily enough I wouldn’t have it any other way. Saving lives, as cliché as it is, is exactly what I want to do every single day of my life, and I’m a third of the way there, yep, guess who just scrapped a pass in my first year of uni.
Five years ago I never would have thought that I’d be where I am now, I had dreams of being a successful lawyer, and started working my way there, but turns out it wasn’t what I expected. My Bachelor of Health Science Paramedic is everything I hoped it would be and more, its an incredibly difficult and hear trenching thing to be doing at times, and there was once over the last year when I seriously questioned whether it was what I wanted to be doing. After some really long conversations about the traumatic job that led me to want to leave, and lots and lots of tears, I threw myself back in the deep end, I wasn’t prepared to give up my dream so easily, and I’ve hardly looked back since.
Amazing how easy it is to type once you get started, a bit like talking, although apparently I’m not quite as introverted as I thought I was. I don’t express much in words, or not as much as I should. But I can type and write ridiculous amounts.
Been thinking a lot, I don’t make New Years resolutions, but I think every year I promise myself I’ll be a better person than last year. But its not as easy as it sounds. I’m still a paranoid insomniac who spends far too many hours worrying about everything and underestimating myself. Still have a lot less self confidence than I should have. Still have terrible nightmares that make me wake up shaking and upset, which have in the last months extended into day dreams. And lately, to add to that, I’ve been having these really strange feelings of dejavu, everything seems so eerily familiar and weird. Not quite sure why, but you get that with me, I’m just strange. Lol.
I don’t have any idea what crap I have gone on about in the blog, but I guess that’s it for now.
I’ve gotta head off and stop procrastinating about packing. Heading up to visit some friends in Mansfield for a couple of days. Should be fantastic to get away.
Anyway.
Take care all.
Jess xox